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CAN WE TALK?© Rhoberta Shaler, PhD
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Do those words, 'Can we talk?', encourage you to communicate, or strike terror into your heart? For many folks, the latter is true. They have learned that the person's next words may be difficult to hear. It is common to expect confrontation to follow, and it can be intimidating.It is so much easier to communicate than to engage in communication. What's the difference? To communicate indicates information going out. Send out a press release. Leave voice-mail. Post a bulletin. Write a memo. Engage in communication requires information going in both directions. No problem with the first. Often,big problems with the second. What has communication taught you in the past? Have you had positive, warm, loving discussions where difficulties could be spoken and heard? Ones in which feelings were understood and accepted? Terrific! Then, 'Can we talk?' sounds like a marvelous opportunity to deepen and strengthen your relationship. If that has not been your experience, there are some guidelines that may be useful to you. As George Bernard Shaw says, "The problem with communication is the illusion that it has occurred." You want to be heard and the other person wants to be heard also. So the first important thing is your willingness to listen as well as speak. What's scary about listening? The other probably wants you to change a behavior. That can cause you to feel insecure and defensive. If you behave from either of those two places, you know where that will lead. Either you'll cower and feel bad, or, you'll get angry and feel bad, or you'll leave and feel bad. Not much of a choice!
So, first be willing to enter the conversation will equal willingness to speak and listen. Then, take the next step. Be willing to respond to what you hear, rather than to react. Big difference. A great place to begin is to take a slow breath in through your nose and out slowly through your mouth and ask yourself, "What do I want as the result of this exchange?" This increases your consciousness and helps you remain centered. Then, simply ask for more information. "Please tell me more." Why would you do something as risky as asking for more? So that you are fully informed before you respond. Makes sense, doesn't it? Now you have done another very good thing. You have demonstrated interest in the speaker. You have also followed the good advice of Steven Covey when he said: "Seek first to understand, then be understood." It buys you time and information. Very wise. When you do speak, speak about yourself and your perceptions, feelings and desires. Make a conscious effort to remove the word 'you' from your conversation at this point. Tell the other what you see, feel, and hear. You can use a sentence like this, "When __________ happens, I feel __________. What would make that easier/better/more productive would be if ___________ could happen. " Notice, no mention of the other person. Only speak of events. OK, OK, you want to say something like "When you speak to me in that tone of voice, my skin crawls and I want to smack you." Take a deep breath. Ask yourself what you want from this exchange. If the answer is to never see this person again in my life. Say it any way you like. It won't matter. If, perchance, you will see this person again and you truly want to improve the communication, one way to express your feelings would be: "When I hear a voice that sounds condescending (or like the one my father used when he was mad), I get very upset. I cannot hear what is being said because I am so affected by the tone of voice. In fact, it irritates me to the point of just wanting to lash out. I want this relationship to work (or improve) and I want to be able to listen." Now, if this is a totally new way for you to express yourself, that other person may be in shock for a moment or two. In fact, it may take them a while to believe your new approach is honest. Just keep doing it. It will become second nature to you and others will begin to respond very positively. Sure, in the beginning, it may feel very awkward and, even, silly. You may feel that you should just be able to be accepted the way you are with no need to change. You're right, of course, if you want to risk the other person avoiding you or going away altogether. These guidelines are only for those who value their relationships and want to give them the best chance to be both respectful and improving.
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This article is included in Dr. Shaler's new book, WRESTLING RHINOS: Conquering Conflict in the Wilds of Work...
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© Optimize! Institute & Rhoberta Shaler, PhD. All rights reserved.
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